Should My Partner Be Allowed to See My Phone or Computer? Should I Give My Teen Privacy on Their Device?
How an Open-Screen Policy Can Enhance Your Relationship and Protect your Family.
What Does a Healthy Open-Screen Policy Actually Look Like?
There’s a lot of conflicting messages out there when you look for the rules about cellphone usage in relationships. Some people say that your phone is your phone, that your spouse should mind their own business. Others petition for the case of transparency, that each partner in the relationship should have full access to their spouse’s phone, even in the pre-marital phase of a relationship.
Transparency builds trust, which is a foundational building block for any relationship. Without it, there isn’t an intimate relationship. In order to make intimacy in a marriage or serious long term relationship work, it’s important to keep it limited to two people. In our opinion, there is no such thing as private screens in a transparent and healthy Christian marriage. It isn’t normal to have a private, separate, online life.
Part of the joint responsibility of protecting a relationship is that both spouses honour each other with their screen time. They don’t chat with the opposite sex privately, they don’t visit pornographic websites or lewd social media, they don’t creep ex-partners’ accounts, and they are mindful about what they watch on the TV, if they even watch TV at all.
Private screens are a sure path for infidelity, whereas an open screen policy creates accountability. Husbands should be honoured to prove to their wives that they have been clean for years, while wives should also be proud to display their search histories.
Wait, Isn’t This Abusive and Controlling?
No, an open phone policy is not abusive or controlling. Rather, it should be a two-way-street of information sharing between partners or family members in the household – based on mutual consent and mutual desire to cultivate emotional safety. There should not be one who has more control than the other, it should be equal. Both partners should have access to the administrative settings on Truple, and both should learn how it works on their devices. That being said, this policy is not recommended for abusive relationships where one partner is using it without the other’s consent or is not also offering the same access to their devices – consent is necessary.
The claim of abuse or control often comes from a spouse who has something to hide. It is a manipulation tactic to ward off intrusive peeks into their online world. Requesting full access to a spouse’s phone is acceptable in a relationship, whether or not trust has been broken. Online transparency is necessary to build a strong foundation of trust, emotional safety is cultivated and maintained when couples don’t have to worry about what the other is doing behind their back.
Shouldn’t We Just Trust Each Other?
Of course, all marriages rely heavily on trust. What better way to demonstrate to your spouse that you are not only being faithful in everything you do but are also interested in protecting your relationship from outside threats. Having a report of your device’s activities is a proven way to build trust. Your spouse doesn’t have to guess anymore, or worry, or stress about what you are doing on your phone or computer in private. An open device policy opens up new possibilities for trust.
This is Where Healing Begins
For those relationships that have struggled in the past with trust, this is where healing comes in. Having an open device policy helps build trust for the betrayed partner by proving to them that nothing is going on, as well as allowing them into your inner world. It creates a safe place for them to heal. They don’t have to ask to look at your phone, accuse you, test you, or sneak it behind your back, fearing recurring betrayal. Emotional safety should be offered – not chased. And it is one of the kindest things you can do for your hurting partner.
Accountability software is meant to help facilitate healing, on the basis of consent. This may form part of a therapeutic process of healing that will open you and your marriage up to depths you never knew possible.
Where do I start?
There are many ways to achieve an open phone policy with your spouse or partner. We suggest having a discussion with your spouse beforehand, sharing ideas on the benefits and limitations, to decide what works best. Both partners should consent to the agreement. We recommend a period of a day, or week to delete anything that needs to be deleted before viewing each other’s phone. This gives the couple a chance to start fresh. If there is something needing to be confessed, it should be confessed. This brand-new start of accountability will work wonders in your relationship with each other – or even with your teens.
Accountability software is software that is installed on your device that makes it impossible to hide any secrets. The one we recommend, Truple, takes screenshots periodically throughout the day, and sends them to directly to your partnered account. You can set the frequency as often as you’d like. Oh, and don’t worry, if anything bad comes up between the screenshot frequency, or someone goes to a site that is known for illicit content, your partner will receive an alert with all the information attached. This is designed as a deterrent to visiting sites that your partner doesn’t want you visiting, further preserving your marriage.
If you want to keep conversations private – you can choose to redact text – although this is not something we recommend because in our opinion, a trusting relationship should be met with a respectful one, and all a partner needs to do is ask their respectful partner not to read the conversations that they’d prefer them not to. That said – we find that most couples who use Truple, check on each other a lot in the beginning, and as trust builds, they hardly ever do! Some couples also agree to tell each other when they will be reviewing the screenshots and why. This is a right we feel every healthy Christian marriage should allow!
If you are interested in trying Truple and implementing an open screen policy in your home – whether it’s for your marriage, your teens, or both - Click Here. You can save 10% on your first purchase with the promo code: “OPEN10” (signing up on a desktop is required).
Another idea for maintaining your emotional safety online, is to use image blocking browsers. These work hand-in-hand with accountability software because they protect your eyes from adverts and images that are inappropriate. They are great for people with neurodivergence or people who simply prefer a lower-stimulus lifestyle as well. Some browsers, like Brave or Plucky allow you to block images, making it harder to see explicit content on the internet and helping you stay free from distraction. Images can be turned on and off for any website, with a simple click of a button. This creates a safer environment for children and couples in a relationship. It provides a barrier to triggering content for those recovering from addiction or betrayal. We recommend using browsers like Brave (with shields enabled) and apps like Plucky.
Isn’t it a Matter of the Heart, Though? A Word to the Men, From a Man.
An open device policy can be intimidating, but it’s much more difficult to have a flourishing, loving relationship without one. Look, you probably never wanted to be the guy hopelessly addicted to pornography, or the guy who keeps slipping up and lives in perpetual shame. Maybe objectification is normal for you – but it doesn’t have to be. There is freedom from living a life purely based on lust, invulnerability, and sensuality. An open phone policy doesn’t get you caught, or throw lemon juice on your cuts, it creates an opportunity for you live in freedom from sin. Sure – having an open phone policy is not going to heal your inner struggle with lust or stop those intrusive thoughts or control your evil fantasies – but it is going allow you the space to start healing. As Faren often says, disciplining one’s physical environment comes before disciplining the heart.
Jesus states that we should pluck out the eye that causes us to lust – how can we uphold that standard if we won’t so much as let go of the very device that keeps us in chains? Using something like Truple, which is end-to-end encrypted, creates an avenue where you can prove yourself to be the man, the husband, and perhaps the father that you’ve always wanted to be. It’s time to stop normalizing “struggling with lust”, it is not normal for a Christian to struggle with lust, it’s only “normal” for secular society. Though accountability software isn’t the only step in overcoming an addiction, it is a great first step in proving to your spouse that you’ve stopped.
If you are currently struggling with certain websites that you shouldn’t be, then the deterrent of your wife finding out should help you quit. Whether its online or in person, infidelity is infidelity, spiritually there difference. Infidelity has no place in a marriage and needs to stop. Take this opportunity to make an agreement with goodness and holiness and start working towards a healthier marriage.
Don’t say you weren’t warned. Haven’t you ever read the Bible verse that says “…Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites…will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor 6:9–10, NKJV). Jesus preaches freedom from sin, not forgiveness in sin. Repentance means a stop to sinful behavior. So, stop living in sin, try something new that will help keep you accountable.
By installing software or agreeing to an open phone policy in your marriage you are giving your spouse the gift of transparency, which will build trust in your marriage. If you have nothing to hide, or wish you did, then you need be a man and open up your device to your spouse, she deserves it.
What Now?
Talk to your significant other about all of this. Give them an opportunity to read this or contemplate what it would mean to install an open-screen policy. Then, if you are willing to strengthen your marriage, give it a try.
If you are interested in Truple, check out our recommendations page HERE.
Want more ideas on how to grow as a couple? You can book an initial session for couples counselling on our page HERE.
